When the working day is done…

When you’re a 30-something singleton, it’s easy to become despondent, especially during winter. You see the 20-somethings trotting around on Friday nights in their short dresses and non-bulky coats, trying to keep warm as they wait for taxis to whisk them off to a club you have no desire to visit. And you think,

I can’t be bothered. It’s freezing. I don’t want to risk pneumonia for the sake of exposing flesh.

By the time we’ve hit our 30s, many of us are dealing with more responsibility, and often more stress, at work. If you’ve had a busy workday, you’ll probably feel like a quiet, cosy night with a few friends instead of big night out involving a effort on your part. The problem is though, you can end up missing out on a bit of fun and silliness.

I’m the first to admit I’m guilty of Crimes Against Fun and Silliness. Between a busy publishing job, survey guys, blogging, finishing a novel and seeing family and friends, frivolity is frequently de-prioritised. But I’ve noticed that a night of lighthearted fun often gives me a much needed mood-boost. Even if it involves a late night, I usually have a lot more energy for my many schemes the next day. And I think I’ve finally realised why this is.

Every now and then single ladies need a bit of obligation-free flirting, just to remind them that they’re women. Even if you know nothing is going to eventuate for whatever reason, a bit of male attention can really warm up a cold winter night. I saw this happen a few weeks ago when I grabbed a mid-week drink in the city with three wing-girls. Two of them were well into their second bottle when I arrived. Sitting with them was a good-looking guy who they’d started chatting to and had invited to join them. There was no way that anything was going to happen with this guy. He was nice, funny, cute and friendly. But he was also a good decade younger than us and had made mention of his girlfriend  (in fact he was running late to meet her…clearly not great boyfriend material!). And even though the conversation didn’t have a particularly strong sexual undercurrent, we all enjoyed a bit of a casual flirt. When we finally went our separate ways, we did so with big grins.

So I thought I’d share with you a few places I’ve mapped that are perfect if you’re looking to meet guys without the pressure of a hardcore meat-market vibe.

The Monkey Bar, Balmain 

Percentage of surveyed men who were single: 69%
Percentage of surveyed men in a relationship who have single friends: 100%
Prime time: Friday and Saturday nights
Crowd: Straight, fashionable, crowd-conscious guys who are ready to flirt.
How many wing-girls you should take: As many as you like but don’t create an intimidating crowd.
What to wear: Glam casual
Top tip: Catch the post-work crowd on Friday then stay for the later-comers. 

The Monkey Bar is true to its name. It’s definitely a bar, not a pub and for singles, it’s a playground. Although it’s known as a place to pick up, don’t be put off. The men are friendly, fun and usually not sleazy. The light-hearted mood makes it perfect for flirting. Catch the locals after work on a Friday, then stay for a dance. As the music gets louder, more and more non-locals will join you on the dance floor. Be careful not to get tucked away upstairs or at the short end of the bar. Just like in real estate, location counts!

 Manography

Ages of single men:      
20-30: 27%
31-40: 27%
41+: 46%

Professions: Corporate strategy, engineering, trade, customer service, entertainment, finance, IT, science and technology
Interests and hobbies: sport socialising, travel, water sports and music   
Men who socialise here also like hanging out at: The London (Balmain)   

The Marlborough Hotel, Newtown

Percentage of surveyed men who were single: 77%
Percentage of surveyed men in a relationship who have single friends: 100%
Prime time: Friday and Saturday nights
Crowd: Blokey, live music lovers. Younger crowd upstairs. Student nights during the week.
How many wing-girls you should take: As many as you like. The space is big enough for all your friends.
What to wear: Casual downstairs, sexy casual upstairs
Top tip: Chat to guys before the music starts so you’ve got a reason to dance with them during the set. 

The Marly is layered with possibilities. At street level, the boys are ready to appreciate live music over a beer. It might be too loud for conversation but bonding over a favourite song is a great way to make new friends. Venture upstairs to the Level One cocktail bar for more sophistication. If someone takes your fancy, lead the way downstairs to The Cellar where the lighting’s low and the leather couches are perfect for getting better acquainted. Check the website for events like State of Origin screenings. They’re sure to bring in the boys!

Manography

Ages of single men:      
<20: 10%
20-30: 50%
31-40: 40% 

Professions: Sports industry, media defence, engineering, finance, IT, community services
Interests and hobbies: Socialising, sport, drinking, sex, watching tv              
Men who socialise here also like hanging out at: Clock Hotel, AB Hotel

On the other side of the Bridge, try The Oaks in Neutral Bay. I’m yet to map there but every time I’ve been we’ve met heaps of nice guys, particularly playing pool.

If you’re not in the mood to go out on a cold night, you might prefer to stay in and check out this fab website I stumbled on: Men In This Town. It’s a fashion-focused journal of men in Sydney. A lot of the shots are candid, which I think makes them fascinating. Enjoy!

Poll-dance

Hello lovely readers,

This week I’m a tad tight on time so instead of the usual dose of shenanigans, I thought a bit of a poll-dance might warm everyone up during our rainy Winter week. So here we go:

Poll

Dance

How far would you go for love?

This week’s post is a modern-day fairy tale.

Once upon a time there were three less-than-happy singletons. All in their 30s, they often wondered if a helpful fairy godmother/online dating service would deliver to them a man they could call their own. But day and night and month and year passed, and despite their loveliness and best efforts, no such man appeared.

Weary of singledom, these brave crusaders decided things needed to change, things about themselves. It wasn’t that any of them where heinous vipers with disturbing hobbies that might turn a man off (or an undesirable man on…). They’d been told by friends that they’d make delightful girlfriends, and in quieter moments they themselves knew this was true. They were just in a Large Single Rut. They’d hoped a Lovely Man would wander by their Rut, bend over to inspect it more closely, smile and then lift them from the Rut with warm, strong arms. But when the wing-girls realised this was not to be, they decided they’d have to de-Rut themselves.

And so, in their own ways, they made little changes. One took up golf and discovered she loved it. One changed the way she dressed and was suddenly bubbling with confidence. And the last wing-girl decided to ignore her insecurities and acknowledge that she was worthy of a relationship.

Although these changes might seem a bit simple/Oprah-esque, they held their own set of fears. The wing-girls had to courageously go forth, risking humiliation, exposure and potential wardrobe malfunction. And by the time our little planet had passed once around the sun, they were all paired with their own Mr Lovely and set to live happily ever after.

These wing-girls are a huge inspiration to me (sorry for reverting to the Oprah-esque). They decided to be open to change and it made them happier. Their Mr Lovelies were a bonus. A big one. But when The farmer wants a wife fills the dinnertime TV slot, I’m always a little ambivalent. Joining a golf club is one thing. Moving to rural WA is another.

This past season I had an added interest in TFWAW, purely for reasons of vanity. I liked seeing the name Lucie on the screen. I never had personalised mugs or novelty number plates as a child. The only thing my mum could ever find was The tale of Mrs Tiggy-Winkle, starring a little girl obsessed with her handkerchief. So when Lucie was chosen for the farm stay with Farmer Charles, I was excited. After all, we had a lot in common: we’ll both spend a lifetime saying ‘with an ie’, we’re both inner city girls, we’re both blessed with long, thick, gently curled hair (ok, I have to wear a wig for that last one). I was cheering for her but I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Does this Lucie really, really, really want to leave her delightful inner city apartment, where she has access to everything, to live in the Sticklands?’ Sure, she might not have a boyfriend, but there are over 300,000 single men in Sydney. Could she really be content with such a massive sea change when love was just a possibility and not a certainty?

Poor Lucie handled her rejection gracefully, especially considering she was on national television. I couldn’t stop myself wondering if she felt the teeniest bit relieved as she drove back to the city along those long country roads. Sure, she was heart-broken but she was returning to her habitat. And yet there were lots of city/suburban girls like her competing for the heart of a farmer.

So I wanted to put it out there: how much change would you be willing to make in the hope of attaining love? I’m not talking about after you’ve met someone you think might be your Mr Lovely. I’m taking about the changes you’re willing to make on the way to meeting him. Would you change your lifestyle, country, hobbies, social circle, profession? Would you hope that he’d be willing to change parts of his life too?

 And for all of you who would like a farmer without the tv drama, check out Thank goodness he’s a country boy. For $620 you’ll get a weekend in the country, complete with pampering sessions and dinner with the country’s finest off-screen single men.

Thank you to my mum for the clipping about Thank goodness he’s a country boy … and for Mrs Tiggy-Winkle.

Size matters

The advent of the small bar has been tremendous gift to Sydney women. We now have a myriad of civilised, social options. There are cosy places we can share wine and conversation with a few friends. Comfortable places with great music and tapas give us a burst of joy after a day at the office. Places with refreshingly quirky décor and delicious cocktails reinspire us if we’ve been exposed to too many hard-lined, modern bars. And best of all, the smoking laws mean none of the new places have that whiff of yester-year’s nicotine, which older venues are still trying to purge.

But, as with many aspects of contemporary life, Sydney women are now even more saturated with choice. With new small bars opening every other day, how do you know where to go? Which venue is going to suit your mood? And more importantly, which venue will help you meet single men?

Bar Zine’s Dan Kaufman is Sydney’s expert on bars. Kaufman spends his evenings exploring Sydney’s bars, new and old, and reviewing them on his website with an honestly that comes from working independently. Although Kaufman doesn’t question people about their relationship status à la moi, his knowledge of the Sydney bar scene means he knows what makes bars popular. And as I’ve said before ladies, it’s all about the bait.

When I met Kaufman last week, I was delighted to hear him echo some of my own theories about the features a bar needs to help strangers mingle and flirt (oddly enough, room for palm-flashing didn’t come up). If you’re socialising with just one or two wing-girls, or if you’re enjoying a wine alone, Kaufman believes the essential ingredient is the humble bar stool. By sitting along the bar, you’re in the space that nearly everyone will enter at some point. It makes you easy to approach if someone likes the look of you and you might end up speaking to a nice guy sitting next to you. Plus there’s the benefit of flirting with the bar staff. Kaufman uses The Grasshopper as the perfect example of this set up. It was only later that I remembered I’d sat along the bar with a wing-girl when I was there. I was early and chatted with the lovely barman until my wing-girl arrived, and two guys ended up sitting next to us. We should’ve embraced the opportunity to speak to them.

For some time I’d been thinking the target for small bars was women like me: thirty-somethings wanting somewhere where the music isn’t blaring so they can chat, where the menu and wine list are good and the furniture comfortable and interesting. Speaking to Kaufman, I realised I was wrong about this. Lots of guys are looking for the same thing (although they probably wouldn’t use the word ‘chat’). After a few walk-throughs of small bars in my area, I realised he was right. Lots of small groups of guys were there. And a small group is always easier to infiltrate.

Kaufman explained that Sydney’s experiencing an ‘anti big bar movement’. It seems that despite our harbour and sunshine, we’ve been craving what Melbourne has known for so long: a smaller bar unafraid to have personality. Sydney-siders have been so deprived that any new little bar is going to create interest, meaning people will go to them. Meaning men will be there. Meaning you might want to go there too. And in Kaufman’s opinion, one crucial element for meeting new people is the ability to make eye contact. In a small venue, where everyone is contained in one main area, this is so much easier.     

So where does Kaufman think single women should go to meet men? If you’re after a suit, he recommends The Argyle, Ivy or Establishment. “Show enough flesh and at some point someone will hit on you, how quickly depends on your body language.” Not into the meat market? Head to the small bars in the CBD, Monday to Friday. Kaufman’s picks are Grandma’s, Stitch Bar and The Grasshopper. If you’re looking for a more suburban vibe on Saturdays, try the Green Room in Enmore or Vice Bar in Balmain. And of course, if you’re not in the head space to meet men and you just want to enjoy the company of your wing-girls, visit Kaufman’s website and take your pick.

Why we won’t talk to men

The results of the poll “What stops you from talking to guys you don’t know?” are in.

The top three responses were:

• I figure if men like the look of me, they’ll come to me.
• I don’t feel confident in general.
• I get nervous and don’t know what to say.

This is a sad state of affairs, ladies. We really are our own worst enemies.

The most popular excuse I figure if men like the look of me, they’ll come to me is no great surprise. I have to say though, if there’s one thing surveying has taught me, it’s that guys in Sydney won’t come to you. Even if they like the look of you. Even if they think you’re the woman of their dreams. They won’t approach you because they think:

1. You might bite their head off/snub them in public like some evil cow once did.
2. You are already in a relationship.
3. Ironically, that if you like the look of them, you’ll go and speak to them.

It’s all about the social stalemate ladies, and it’s up to the individual woman to break it.

The second and third reasons are more tricky. But as someone who’s naturally shy with guys (yes I’m sure this will surprise a few of you) I can promise you that practice does help. The first time I walked into a pub to do surveys I went straight to the bathroom and hid there for half an hour. Now I survey without hesitation.

Practise talking to guys you don’t know when you’re out. Set yourself achievable social goals. Don’t say to yourself, “Tonight I must go out and meet the love of my life,” or even, “Tonight I must flirt with someone.” Instead think, “Tonight I will go out and talk to one guy I don’t know,” or even, “Tonight I will smile at a stranger.” Every little achievement will boost your confidence so that when the right guy comes along, you won’t think twice about approaching him (and thereby overcoming excuse Number 1!). Good luck!

It’s raining, men!

One thing I really enjoy about being in my 30s is not feeling pressured to go out and have big weekends. Spending my non-work time surveying random men has seen my alcohol intake plummet dramatically. I was always a light-weight. Now I’m a feather-weight. And I don’t bounce back like I used to. But I don’t feel the need to go out and have vodka-fuelled party nights anymore, so it doesn’t worry me. Plus, a whole day on the couch recovering feels like a waste of a precious day.

Unfortunately, this is a double-edged sword. Every now and then, particularly when it’s pouring (with rain, not booze), I feel like I deserve a night in. My internal dialogue goes something like this:

“You never just relax and do nothing. You’ve worked hard all week. If you have an quiet night in, you can get up early and hit that huge pile of surveys you’re hoping will magically insert themselves into your enormous spreadsheet. The couch and the DVD player miss you.”

And while we all need some downtime, staying in means we’re not meeting anyone new or (for those of us who live alone) socialising at all.

When I was in NYC, nothing stopped me going out to explore: not the freezing temperature, jet lag, lack of sleep, snow, the fact that my boots were being held together with superglue. In Sydney, the sky can cloud over and suddenly going out seems like a major effort. Excuses come thick and fast and fantasies of hibernating seem both wonderful and achievable. But I know that if I give myself a little shove and go out, I can have a great night either with friends or mapping. By picking a venue that’s comfortable and cosy, the colder weather is no longer an issue. So in the hope that I can help you get motivated, despite our long summer days being over, here’s a list of five winter venues filled with single men who are waiting for you to warm up their night:

The Oaks Hotel
Although The Oaks has a huge courtyard, there’s still a maze of rooms inside, particularly upstairs. Make sure you don’t block yourself off in one of the smaller rooms, or guys won’t feel comfortable coming in. Rooms with pool tables are great, because you can always challenge the guys to a game.

Town Hall Hotel, Balmain
Almost entirely inside, other than the verandah, this is a popular venue for buck’s nights on Saturdays. If you’re up for some friendly flirting, this is the perfect spot. Friday nights are also fun with the local crowd.

PJ Gallaghers, Drummoyne
This pub attracts lots of the sporty guys who live in the Drummoyne area (and there a tons!). If a big footy game’s on head elsewhere, unless you’re happy to join in and bond over barracking.

The Hero of Waterloo
This small, friendly place can get pretty crowded on Saturdays, making it easy to bump into guys. The live classic rock near the bar gets people on their feet. It’s easier to mingle in this area than the room around the corner with tables and chairs, but do a recon lap because anyone sitting down will need to come to the bar at some point.

The Fringe Bar
Drawing a crowd that reflects its name, The Fringe is the perfect winter venue for the creative and the cool. While you might be a little intimidated if you feel you don’t belong, after a few drinks (or just one in my case) everyone’s more relaxed and happy to enjoy the night.

If you’d like to help spread the word about My manMap, please vote for me in the Best Australian Blogs Competition by clicking the big blue badge (or brooch as I like to think of it) on the righthand side of the page. It’s quick and easy and muchly appreciated!

Vote for women (or at least one woman…)!

Hello reader peeps,

Some of you may have noticed manMap’s home page is currently sporting a new accessory: a Vote for Me badge for the Best Australian Blogs 2011 competition.

So here’s the part where I ask a favour. In the words of Anne Shirley, I would be indebted to you for life (or thereabouts) if you’d please vote for My manMap. It’ll only take you a few minutes. Just click the badge and go through to the second page in the survey (yes, the competition is frighteningly abundant) using the ‘Next’ button, tick My manMap, then click through to the end of the survey to submit your vote. Easy! By voting for manMap you’ll feel a joyful glow knowing that you’ve not only helped me, but you’ve helped your single sisters by getting word about manMap out there. Tell everyone you know and don’t know to vote for manMap, so they can partake of the joyful glow too.

Thank you thank you thank you in anticipation! And in the keeping with the title of this post, here’s a bit of sister suffragette fun with a lovely line about men as a group:

Single sister of the month: Isabella Bird

Sometimes singledom can feel like a prison. It can make you feel there are lots of things you would do, if only you had a man to do them with. As trivial as it sounds (and is), I often walk past restaurants and wish I had a man who would go there with me (I like to eat). This is a terrible way to think. I have plenty of friends who love dining out. There’s absolutely no reason why I can’t call one of them and make plans to eat at the restaurant I’m longing to try. But instead, I glance sheepishly at the couples in the restaurant windows and hope one day I’ll be sitting there with Mr Lovely.

We really are living in a blessed time. I read in the Sunday Life that Ita Buttrose couldn’t even get a bank loan in the 70s because she was a woman, even though she was one of the highest paid women in Australian media. Today we can travel without a male family member, go to university, raise children without men and drink in public. (And praise be for that! So many men in relationships that I’ve surveyed have met their partners in pubs.) But I know I could use a friendly reminder every now and then that singledom can be splendid, so I’ve decided to introduce a new feature:

Single sister of the month.

It might not appear every month, but I’ll do my best.

So, without further ado, April’s single sister is Isabella Bird.

Born 15 October 1831, Ms Bird was not content with a domestic life in Cheshire, England. Instead of being a homemaker, Bird dreamed of travel — hardly the done thing for a vicar’s daughter. At 23, her father gave her £100 so she could travel to America. This trip provided the content for her first book, The English Woman in America, which was published two years later. In 1857 she went to Canada and Scotland.

In the 1870s, Ms Bird traveled to Australia (she didn’t rate it even though there wouldn’t have been much of a man-drought then) and then Hawaii, which she loved. She then moved to Colorado and rode 800 miles over the Rocky Mountains. And shock-horror, she rode astride like a man.

During her Rocky adventure, Ms Bird met the violent outlaw Jim Nugent, who had only one eye and loved poetry. She had good times with him but wrote in one letter that he was, “a man any woman might love but no sane woman would marry.” Despite all the fun I’m sure they had, Ms Bird decided to return to England. Poor old Jimmy got shot dead less than a year later.

Although Bird did marry on her return to England, she longed to travel again. In 1886, her husband died and Ms Bird decided to study medicine so she could travel as a missionary. Despite being in her late 50s, she set off for India.

Ms Bird continued to travel until her death in 1904. She had many an adventure, including traveling through North Africa on a black stallion that had been given to her by the Sultan. It was so tall she needed a ladder to mount it. So in her 72 years, Ms Bird conquered the globe, and the social boundaries of her time, despite being unmarried until she was 49.

Hurrah for our single sister, Isabella Bird!

Acknowledgements
Thank you to the glory that is the people’s encyclopaedia.
This post is dedicated to BB aka Blog the Beach, who introduced me to Ms Bird and who is an inspiring woman in her own right.

A single girl’s three course dog’s breakfast

Primo

On Saturday I attended a lovely and enlightened wedding. Apart from everything being beautiful, personal and carefully considered, the wedding was entirely inoffensive to single guests. There was none of the following:

• Putting of all singles on one table
•  Humiliation associated with throwing of bouquet/garter
• Dancing designed for pairs only, which inevitably leaves singles feeling self-conscious/excluded.

So I just wanted to say snaps to the happy couple. It was so refreshing to be at a ‘singles-friendly’ wedding.

Secondo

On Friday night I witnessed an interesting flirting technique at The Occidental. A woman in her mid-20s, clad in a short pleather skirt and clutching a pint in one hand and a cigarette in the other, did her best to attract guys by singing I touch myself.

At first, we were confused. But then we saw her slow-grind dancing and realised she was trying to seduce one or all of the guys sitting near her. The technique can’t be that great though because she was still at it when I left an hour later, although she’d moved on to Wind beneath my wings. This confused me more than the singing in the first place. Would any straight guy fall for a woman singing Bette Midler to him?

Dolce

Drum roll please…after spending some quality time with my enormous mapping- spreadsheet, I’d like to announce that the CBD venue which had the highest percent of single men is The Harbour View. And just in case the Harbour View isn’t to your liking, you’ll be happy to know that in nearly half the CBD venues I mapped, at least 50% of the male patrons were single. Embrace ladies, the single guys are out there!

Single but grateful

When you’re single and you don’t want to be single, it’s easy to become a tad jaded, particularly when friends announce engagements, pregnancies or even romantic getaways with their partners. It can be hard to shift that feeling of despondency and remember that we are lucky. Things could be much worse. We could be living a few generations ago and be labelled as the ‘maiden aunt’ or the ‘spinster’. We could be living a few centuries ago and have no scope for independence. If worrying about being single is our biggest concern, we’re already living a blessed life.

Melina Schamroth of m.a.d. woman has launched a new campaign called Grateful in April. She wants us to remember that, although we’re single, we can still enjoy what we have. By signing up you’ll receive an inspiring tip for 30 days plus you’ll have the chance to receive a gift.

And here’s what I’m grateful for, our new WWWtK question:

Do you make less effort to chat with women because there are so many in Sydney that it’s now up to the women to make the effort?

Thank you to Dating Safaris for submitting this question!